YAY! Made in Chelsea’s back!
In case you’re not British or … live under a bush, Made in Chelsea is basically a reality TV show where posh people sit in different posh locations and have deep and meaningful discussions about relationships, interspersed with a lot of really awkward pauses. Think that sounds awful? Yes. yes it is. But it’s amazingly addictive.
But just in case you really fancy reliving it, don’t have time to watch it or don’t want to allow yourself to fall into the black hole that is people pretending this is their real life when it’s actually all scripted, you’ve come to the right place.
Let’s start with a little recap of what shit was going down at the end of last series.
1) Spencer and Louise got a little creeped out with Andy’s obsession with poor old Lou-Lou.
2) Andy moved on to Lucy, quite literally. Lucy’s a bitch.
3) Lucy dumps Andy in the most awkward break-up ever
4) Gabriella cries a lot, then swans off to some other country
5) Nobody loves Binky, which is a shame because I do
6) Jamie goes down in everyone’s estimations because he can’t work out if he fancies Binky or not. That’s a stupid question. Even my mum fancies Binky a little bit.
7) Spencer cheated on Louise. Millie gave him the best slap ever shown on TV
8) Sophia and Proudlock have some weird flirty times, then she and Francis get together and my world becomes complete
9) Lucy asks the question ‘Why is everyone getting all up in my grill?” then reveals she’s actually a vegetarian, leaving everyone wondering what the hell she’s cooking on her grill.
Season 5, Episode 1
Awkward Silence Count – IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII (19)
Oh hello completely naked Jamie. What a way to start the episode!
So first things first, Jamie is visited by a guy in a suit who tells him that he can’t afford anymore excessive spending. Meanwhile, Jamie is sitting in a fur coat like a wannabe Snoop Dogg.
We then find out that despite adamantly denying it at the end of last series, it turns out Spencer did have sexy times on the side. Who saw that coming?! Oh wait, everyone. So that’s the end of Spencer and Louise then? Ummm no, they’re back together. Because … well they don’t actually explain why. Dramatic purposes I guess.
So because Francis let slip to Louise about the whole Spencer cheating thing, they now hate each other, which is unfortunate as they were supposed to be living together … awks. That means that Proudlock and Jamie now have to choose which one they want to live with. Cue many confused/agonised looks. Also, why is everyone calling Spencer ‘Spenny’ now?
In Sophia and Francis news (Sophancis?) … yeah they broke up. Something about being confused and now she’s gone off somewhere else. Once again, the details of this seem to have been very swiftly, urm, avoided.
In some bar, it’s revealed that Andy does love to wear a full on suit in casual looking bars, and drinks girly cocktails. He invites some girls to a gig within 10 seconds of starting talking to them. They don’t find him pervy.
Back to the Spencer/Francis drama, Spencer tries to pretend that cheating is normal and perfectly acceptable and Francis is in the wrong for ratting him out. He then pretends that he’s always hated him and Louise should too, because he’s such a bad person. Spencer’s a dick. He makes me angry.
We then get to laugh in Spencer’s face though when Jamie and Proudlock decide to live with Francis. Spencer looks like he’s going to cry.
Next we get to watch the gig that Andy goes to for his birthday. It’s it strange that all the characters always randomly end up in the same place at least once an episode. It’s almost as if it’s planned …
Anyway, there’s lots of jumping around despite the fact that the music is more of the wave-your-lighters-in-the-air variety. The singer also looks insanely uncomfortable, and spotty.
Francis has an awkward chat with his ex-girlfriend and then things get a little weird when Ollie turns up and gives her a lovely big kiss and asks Francis, “We’re still good right?” Hang on, wasn’t Ollie gay a minute ago?
Oh and here’s the inevitable Francis-Spencer ‘chat’ in which Spencer continues to be a massive twat. I won’t even go into it. If I ever met him, I will be forced to recreate the Mille slap.
Continuing in his How to be an Idiot tutorial, Spencer then turns up at the estate agents and tries to guilt-trip Proudlock and Jamie into not signing some papers and living with him instead. It doesn’t work. Okay, so they pretend like they’re really finding the decision hard and confusing but then just give up and tell him they’re going to live with Francis. HA! IN YOUR FACE SPENCER!
Oh hello Ollie in his pants.
Binky and Rosie have wine with a candle dangerously close to the edge of the table.
Turns out Spencer asked Lucy out the day after Louise broke up with him. Naughty. Lucy ‘accidentally’ tells Louise. She cries AGAIN. Has there ever been an episode without Louise tears?! Spencer continues the twatness and storms off, leaving a dramatic – well, moderately – cliffhanger which will force you to come back next week. No matter how much you don’t want to.
So overall, Spencer’s a *very bad word*, Jamie has a perky bum and Francis is so bloody adorable I want him as a pet.