Eurovision 2013

So shit went down on Eurovision last night.

If you’re American/not European and crying because you feel so left out and confused, Eurovision is basically a massive night where lots of European countries get together and spend a couple if hours in a singing war like we’re in some weird musical. Some countries make an effort but mainly, the countries don’t actually want to win and have to pay for next year’s competition, so send the worst act possible. We all have a laugh for the first half, then it gets to the voting and everyone gets very angry. Countries vote politically and for the ones they border.

Unfortunately for England, most of the countries were part of our Empire so … everyone kind of hates us. And our only bordering country is Ireland and they don’t really like us too … but France, I’m disappointed in you. Two World Wars we helped you out and you gave us nothing.

Anyway, I’m not quite ready to let Eurovision go for another year so here’s a little run down of the Good, the Bad and the Ugly:

The Good:


I really like the songs where people sing in their own language. And as an added bonus, this one end with a massive dress on fire.


Starting with the very Spanish bagpipes of course, but we’ll forgive you for that. Okay, she’s a little off at the beginning, but it gets better and I really like her dress. Plus the drummer looks insanely happy to be there.


This guy just looks SO happy. And no, unfortunately he’s not in love with Jeremy, Jeremy’s in love with some other girl.

United Kingdom:

Okay, I might be ever so slightly biased here, but this was quite good for us. Come on it’s Bonnie Tyler! But for anyone who has never heard of Bonnie, she hasn’t got some weird throat infection, she just sounds like that.


Sweden were the reigning champions and though I’m not entirely sure on his outfit, this was actually my favourite. And I think it should have done better than it did.


This guy’s name is ByeAlex. Actually. It didn’t really bode well but he was actually quite good. Didn’t really fancy getting dressed up for the occasion though. I particularly like the chorus because it sounds like ‘bish bosh bash’.


This was the eventual winning song, and it was one of my favorites. I also like how those guys who are meant to be soldiers can’t stop smiling. (Also, if you’re getting suspicious, all of the musicians are always miming, but the singers are live)


You weren’t expecting a guy like that to sing a ballad were you? This was another one of my favourites just because I could sing ‘Yeah gone leaf’ over the top of him.

Wow, that was a lot of good ones! Was it just me or were there way more actually good ones this year? Anyway, let’s get onto the … urm, not so good ones …

The Bad/The Ugly (Read:The Weird)


As Graham Norton warned us beforehand, the dancing in this is just woeful. The song isn’t bad, though maybe not the happiest thing in the world. But the guy singing … wow. Just look at his eyes. He looks like he’d keep you tied up in his basement …


This started off well … then went downhill. Weird dancing, teamed with breathless singing of dodgy rhymes. ‘The sun is always shining on yow’


Wow. This is what Eurovision is all about. I like how the line before the chorus, is ‘High, so high’ … and it really is.


If Greece had won Eurovision, the whole of Europe would have been sent back into recession. So they sent these guys. Unfortunately for them, Europe has a cruel sense of humour and they were very close to the top and were actually in the lead at one point.


Okay, I don’t mind this song but what is with the giant guy? It has no relation to the song and why is he in a medieval costume?


Saving the best till last, this is frankly, terrifying. Apparently, she wrote it as a hint to her boyfriend. He hasn’t asked her yet. Surprised?

So now we have to wait another YEAR till we go off to Denmark for next times … antics?




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